i'm going to wing my first blog post of the year. i've been over-thinking it. i had the perfect three subjects for a new year's post: lessons learned, resolutions and starting again. all relevant and works well together but i keep getting stuck. maybe because i feel stuck.
don't get me wrong. this year is starting off quite well for me. i spent two weeks with my family in wisconsin over the holidays, missing fraser like a teenager as i changed diapers, had dance parties with my nieces, ran around after my nephews, caught up with my siblings and my parents, and occasionally braved the weather (-15 degrees with -45 windchill at one point) to take spin classes with my new sister (aka my brother's wife). fraser welcomed me home with homemade chicken enchiladas and has been beyond awesome. i've been catching up with friends and am back to my workout schedule. my first audition of the year was for a film and went really well. the weather has been a dream in socal. things are good.
i'm happy... yet i find myself questioning all of it. i mean, am i really happy? is this really where i'm supposed to be? now that i'm with someone who wants the things i've been saying i wanted for years, i fear that i may not be ready after all. and is that really what i want in the first place? am i capable of handling my needs along with that of a husband and children while still pursuing my dream?
am i worthy of it all? of any of it?
i know. i know... I KNOW!!!
if any of my friends confessed to feeling this insecure, i would look them in the eye and tell them, without a doubt in my mind, that they are worth it. all of it... and most days, i feel entitled to the same level of worthiness. some days, i feel like a sunshine goddess whose purpose is to spread love, encouragement and happiness. other days, i have to force myself to recognize the sun even as its warmth gently caresses my face.
i smile. a lot. all the time... no matter how i'm feeling, i put a smile on my face and forge ahead because that's the role i've played my whole life and i'm afraid to show the world anything but that smiling face. that face is familiar and comforting and usually authentic but there are days when it's a facade. we all wear one. mine just happens to be friendly and seemingly happy even as i feel my insides fall all over itself in a pool of inexplicable sadness and my mind races to the worst case scenarios to the questions above... please don't think my smile isn't genuine. it usually is but there are times when it's sole purpose is to avoid confrontation or conflict until i'm ready to face it. until i'm ready to face myself.
maybe i can still work those perfectly paired subjects into this post because i really have learned from times like these. i know i'm stronger than i think. this is a phase. it's not permanent. i am going to get through it and emerge wiser, armed with personal knowledge to more easily win the next battle within. in the meantime, it's imperative that i surround myself only with people who love, support and encourage me. there is no way i can come out of these depressions, mild as they are, without people who look me in the eye and tell me, without a doubt in their mind, that i am worth it. all of it. we all need a reminder, even those of us who seem to have it together all the time. especially them... you get what you give so you might as well shine light and love, show compassion and kindness, support other people's dreams. three life lessons i try put into practice every day. not just at the beginning of the year either.
let's be honest, new year's resolutions often fall on the wayside by february. sometimes march. so instead of making a list of things to change through control, my goal this year to let go of control. of expectation. of fear... control, expectation and fear will get you nowhere fast. it will eat at your soul and make you question your own glaring happiness... fraser is the first person i've dated who openly communicates his thoughts and feelings. when i have moments of control, expectation and/or fear, he discusses them with me. no judgment or desire to change me or a question of my motives. he wants to understand where i'm coming from and i, more often than not, fail to articulate my feelings well because i'm not used to being really listened to unless i force the issue. i need to let go of those habits because fraser is not beamer or golfer or whoever else made me question my worth in the past.
so i'm starting over. again... it's scary because change often is and things with fraser are going so fast, but i'm putting a smile on my face and forging ahead. not because it's expected but because i'm worth it. i deserve to be happy and to have what i want, even if what i want changes. even when i question my own worth because i'm allowed moments of uncertainty... as long as i recognize it as such and get over it as quickly as possible. with that, i'd like to share an excerpt from elizabeth gilbert's wonderful book, eat, pray, love:
happiness is the consequence of personal effort. you fight for it,
strive for it, insist upon it... you have to participate relentlessly in
the manifestations of your own blessings. and once you have achieved a
state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it.
now go war.
