sixteen, twenty-six and thirty-six, ah!!!

i started seven different blogs last month. it was my birthday month and there was a lot going on in my head but none of it felt inspired once i began writing them. while i felt incredibly loved as friends celebrated my birthday all month long with lunch, coffee and dinner dates, there was an tug of sadness in my heart and i didn't want to admit it. i wanted to write about the past year as one of change and transformation because it really was that... but it was also a year that broke me so completely that i find myself struggling to find the courage to be vulnerable again. i have become the girl i never wanted to be. while jaded seems a bit harsh, it's definitely along those lines. unfortunately.

i'm scared of... not finding the dude or, worse, finding him and getting my heart broken again. fooling myself into believing i have control over anything. not having any control. falling in love. not falling in love. opening up to the wrong person. not allowing myself to open up to the right one. trying too hard. not trying hard enough. losing balance. losing parts of my myself again. not having enough time. wasting it. doing the wrong thing. not doing anything... everything. i'm scared of everything.

everything i wrote last month felt contrived because i didn't want to share my fears. i have so much love and support and have worked hard over the past year to be present and thankful and appreciative for all of it. and i truly am... but, if i'm to be completely truthful, i have to write about the fears that accompany turning another year older no matter how i try to mask it. twentieth anniversary of my sweet sixteen, anyone?

i was sixteen when lint and i started dating. so much has happened in the twenty years since then. i've grown up a lot but am still the same girl with the big dreams and an even bigger heart. i'm a nurturer. i have a tendency to take care of other people before myself. only recently did i start to really put myself first, something that you really must do if you are to nurture anyone else. i don't have kids (yet!), so i don't know what being a mother is like, but i do know that not taking care of yourself will eventually leave you feeling empty and resentful. that part i know... i fear falling back into that with someone new.

i was twenty-six when beamer and i began what would become a nine year relationship. he sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday the day after the fact and i almost cancelled a dinner date i had planned. it was nice of him to remember and acknowledge it (beamer is not good with dates) but it may have been easier not to hear from him. not better. easier... i responded with a quick thank you and pressed send before i could start telling him all about the night before when i celebrated with a group friends; i wanted to share every detail with him... hearing from him no longer feels like someone decided to sit on my heart but it still stops for a second and i have to actively talk myself out of being sad.

no matter how good i feel about the progress and transformation i've made both emotionally and physically in less than a year, the fact that beamer could not bring himself to marry me continues to nag the back of my mind and stab parts of my heart... i don't think he'll ever figure it out nor do i hope he ever does because i'm not sure what that would mean for me after all this time. these are facts that only my body can feel. these are facts only my heart and mind can counter with as much grace and kindness and love that i can muster for myself. sometimes not a lot... i fear that i will forever be nagged and stabbed by this.

i'm thirty-six now and no closer to figuring out how this whole falling in love thing is supposed to happen. i've always been a jump-right-in kind of girl and being cautious is new to me. there's a desperate desire for me to feel safe, to protect my once free-loving heart, but i know that's not the way to go even as i subconsciously, purposefully build walls around my still mending heart. it seems unfair to whoever i start a relationship with for me to hold back, but that's exactly what i'm doing. even as one of the guys i've been seeing has clearly peaked my interest more than the others, i find myself planning dates with other people. it feels safer not to focus on just one. i've already done that. for nine years.

it's a battle within. my optimistic, openminded, outgoing self is weakened and fighting a much stronger afraid-to-be-vulnerable, still-nursing-a-broken-heart version of me. i'm rooting for the former but the latter is easier to live as... i realize i'll have to forgo easy and jump in again if i'm to even have a shot at what i eventually want in my life. for now though, i have to settle for being present exactly where i am and not judging every choice i make.

all i can do is be honest and kind and loving to the thirty-six year old woman looking back at me in the mirror and reassure her that she's exactly where she needs to be... for now.