forgiveness, fearlessness and football, oh my!

when my friends and family suggested that i start a blog, my main concern was not having a theme. i have, however, made some big changes in my life recently that could be interesting but still no through line... and then it hit me. not having a theme, per se, is totally my life. it may be a little bipolar but it's honest and real. with that in mind, i am tackling three very different realities of my life these days: forgiveness, fearlessness and football.

according to books and articles i've read these past few months, forgiveness is a big part of moving forward and letting go. beamer asked me to forgive him the last time we saw each other. i explained that i didn't think that there was anything to forgive, we were both in the relationship after all, but told him that i forgave him because he needed to hear it.

life is not always pretty. things happen. you snap at one of your girlfriends because a text from a guy threw you off. you forget to pick up a friend from lax because your phone died in the middle of the night. you realize things aren't going to change nine years in... you take responsibility, say you're sorry and ask for forgiveness. you move on, still great friends. you forgive yourself.

i take full responsibility for my decision to go back to beamer and spend three more years with him. ending our relationship was devastatingly sad and disappointing for both of us. pointing fingers and holding on to anger won't do anything but make us both more miserable. don't get me wrong, there was anger, rage even, but why hang on to that? we spent nine good years together, so when we do talk to each other, we focus on being kind, supportive and loving towards each other. we can only do that because of forgiveness.

my life has changed dramatically in less than a year because of choices i've made. i quit my job waiting tables after twelve years and broke off my nine year relationship with beamer days later. i didn't officially move out for another three months and have since been trying to live up to the fearlessness of those choices. it's scary to leave a job you know like the back of your hand; scarier to leave a man who's loved you, flaws and all, for almost a decade... but, sometimes, you just have to.

i'm now trying to summon that fearlessness as i attempt dating again. after nearly a decade in a relationship, the idea of going on a date was beyond surreal to me but i eventually started a profile on an online dating site (i know!). you have to be fearless to put yourself out there and meet a complete stranger. even more so to refuse another date when you're just not interested... it's scary, but i'm fearless in my belief that there's someone out there who wants the same things i do and will find me as amazing as i find him.

and when he does show up, i really hope he likes the nfl because i am a cheesehead. what can i say? i grew up in wisconsin... i'm the girl who plays fantasy football, owns a dozen jerseys (rodgers in every color), and will happily spend sundays with friends watching football all day trash talking with other fans. i love the nfl network and sportscenter, especially during football season. when my packers won the superbowl in 2010, i watched all the looped coverage of the game and post game celebrations and interviews for as long as they aired it. a week or so maybe, and it still wasn't enough.

football is fast, furious and fun to watch. there's something sexy in the athleticism and strategy of the game. i love watching men play with so much heart until the very last second. the passion in their eyes is simultaneously inspiring and frightening. they are fearless... or at least they pretend to be. and why not? sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. i've certainly put on that cloak of fearlessness or painted it on my face whenever i've felt vulnerable, and i'll keep doing it until that fearlessness becomes real... the way it was when i was ten. until then, i will forgive myself for whatever shortcoming i may have and treat myself as kindly as i would treat my closest friend.

three years and five years and nine years, oh my!

i am a serial monogamist.

one high school boyfriend. three years.
i was a sophomore. lint was a senior.
he cheated. i bailed... or he did. i don't remember.

one boy the summer between high school and college.
we were in the same class. tiny was the sweetest.
he broke up with me over the phone the first week of college.
not exactly a fun start to my collegiate years; he was right to do it.

one college boyfriend. five years.
golfer was a year behind me.
we had that crazy relationship only justifiable by the fact that we were in our early 20s.
he broke up with me a year after moving to la to be with me.
my heart broke into a million pieces; it was the best thing he could have done for both of us.

six months of what i can only describe as my "samantha" phase.
i was bold, spontaneous and absolutely ridiculous.
it was a lot of fun. i got bored quickly.
no one refused my advances.
there was no challenge.
i decided to date again.

one big adult relationship. nine years.
beamer was nine years older.
he knew what i would say or do before i did. he was a challenge.
i left two years in because he couldn't tell me he loved me. he did.
i left four years later because he wasn't ready to marry me. he promised he would.
i blinked and was three years older with no ring on my finger. he really wasn't ready.
i moved out knowing that i couldn't live with myself if i stayed.

that was six months ago.
beamer and i have seen each other once since then.
we were both devastated by it but, ultimately, it was the right thing to do.
i still get sad, sometimes angry, about it, but it is what it is.
we didn't want the same thing and that's okay.
sometimes you just have to let love go. let everything fall apart.
it sucks and it hurts and it makes you want to crawl into a hole. you cry.
then you get up, dust yourself off and look ahead. you breathe.


how's that for an introduction? welcome to my blog, lovelies. xo