during my 16week checkup with my ob, fraser and i were surprised to learn that peanut has a penis. i sat up when my ob pointed to the ultrasound screen and told us we were having a boy. because i'm 38, we also met with a specialist for a more thorough ultrasound after a lesson on amnios (when they stick a needle through your belly button to get some amniotic fluid to test for genetic abnormalities) the following day. everything looked good. no amnio for us... our biggest concern was getting used to the idea that we were having a boy (not the little girl fraser had had his heart set on calling princess) and coming up with a boy name we both liked.
two and a half weeks later, three days before fraser and i left la to spend the holidays with our families, the receptionist at my ob's office called and left a message. i immediately knew something wasn't right; my heart pounded as returned her call and waited for an answer.
her - hello?
me - hi. i'm returning your call.
her - oh yes. the result of your 12th and 16th week blood test came back positive for down syndrome...
me - (WHAT THE FUCK?!?!)
her - it doesn't mean that your baby has down syndrome but you need to see another specialist.
that last part didn't register because once you hear your blood test came back positive for anything, your brain panics and automatically focuses on breathing so you don't pass out. i should say that i've never been a fan of this particular receptionist because she's impatient and not very nice, which i mindfully overlooked. my ob's office is busy and i understand her job is not to hold my hand and be my friend. i didn't expect, need or want any of that… that said, her blurting out my test results as callously as she did felt like a slap in the face.
i called fraser to tell him, went to work and sent texts to my closest girlfriends. three of them called me. i cried through my conversation with cheerleader, who i've known since middle school; one my hula girls actually made me laugh, which i desperately needed to do; and blondie, who is also pregnant with her first child, listened to me try and epically fail to articulate the dichotomy of my emotions.
at home, fraser and i sat on the couch and discussed our predicament. he wanted facts. i was drowning in feelings, emotions and hormones… with a slew of girlfriends researching and sending me links, we determined that the chances of peanut having down syndrome was anywhere from 4-12% and agreed that we would try not to panic until we knew more. because we were leaving town for a couple of weeks in a matter of days, it meant not being able to see a specialist and having to table our discussion until after the holidays. essentially, fraser and i decided to put on our big boy/girl pants, enjoy time with our families and figure things out when we got back. except for one thing.
fraser - nothing is off the table for me.
me - nothing? so termination is an option for you?
fraser - it depends… but that's a decision we would come up with together.
me - (losing it) i can't do it, love. i've felt him moving for weeks now.
fraser - okay.
let me be clear about something here. not terminating my pregnancy whether peanut has down syndrome or not is a deeply personal choice. i would not fault anyone/a couple for deciding otherwise. as bells put it, it's a lifetime commitment; she went on to say she would support whatever decision we made because fraser and i are the ones who will live with it for the rest of our lives… that's true for all couples and possible single mothers faced with pregnancy. neither choice is easy or better than the other.
the days that followed were a complete mind fuck as i tried to wrap my mind around the idea of peanut not getting the same start in life as his cousins and never being able to catch up. fraser and i often wondered what peanut would be like knowing that he's already who he is and our only job is to love, support and nurture him. i'd dreamed about being a mother my whole life. peanut is the realization of that dream and i would rather die than give him up… i was an emotional mess.
after fraser left for work that first morning, i found myself in fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably. when sassy called to check in on me, hearing me say hello was enough for her to tell me she was putting on a pair of jeans and heading over. she sat with me that day and made me feel less alone.
the day after that, i reluctantly told my parents. my mom started to cry when she realized what i was saying as my dad looked at me through the screen of his phone (technology!) and steadfastly reassured me that peanut would be loved just as he is because he is one of us, which i knew but also needed to hear. when he turned to my mom and told her to stop crying, i asked him not tell her that and, through tears of my own, reassured them both that it is okay for them to be sad and upset and to cry about it if they needed to.
as cheerleader so wisely (and lovingly) said to me that first night, the cocktail of emotions i felt were all valid and were in no way indicative of my love for the child inside of me. we were both gasping for air in an attempt not to lose it anymore than we already had at the time and i held on to those words along with these: do not feel bad or guilty for feeling whatever you are feeling. you love him more than anything… and blondie's equally wise and loving words when i tried to explain how i was feeling: you don't have to explain anything. no one doubts your love for peanut. they gave me permission to accept whatever emotion came up and to not judge myself for any of it.
the holidays were a bit of a blur. fraser and i celebrated christmas in dc with his family and new year's with mine. we ate home cooked meals, shared stories with our siblings, played games with our nieces and nephews, laughed… i fell in love with my brother's three-month old son and barely put him down while we were in wi; his normalness simultaneously elated and broke my heart… two days before our flight back to la, i told fraser i was nervous. he admitted feeling the same. we may not have been openly discussing those damn test results but we were both keenly aware of my growing belly, which was a source of fascination and excitement for everyone, especially our little loves.
fraser felt peanut move for the first time during our trip.
we had an appointment with my ob hours after we landed back in la. he told us that the chances of peanut having down syndrome was 6% (automatically higher because of my age) and that the specialist we had an appointment with later in the week would be looking for soft markers in peanut's ultrasound. when we told him termination was not an option for us, he told us about another blood test the specialist could do if we didn't want to do an amnio... without guaranteeing anything, he mercifully told us he didn't see any anomalies in peanut's ultrasound that day.
three days later, i was alone at a specialist's office downtown to talk to a genealogist and get blood drawn for the other test. fraser had to work but we wanted the earliest appointment we could get; we'd decided against the amnio, which could cause miscarriage (the chances are small but we didn't want to take the chance. another personal choice), and hoped peanut's thorough ultrasound along with the blood test would put our minds at ease… and the prognosis was good.
specialist - okay. that's a great start. head looks good… spine is perfect… kidneys good… legs are normal… heart is great.
me - really? everything looks normal?
specialist - this is what i do every day. i have no reason to tell you anything other than what i see… your baby looks great. your ob will be very happy. i'll be surprise if the result of your blood test is anything but negative. you're my easiest appointment today... do you want to know the sex?
me - a boy, right?
after thanking him and the nurses in the room, i made a beeline for the private bathroom and cried for a few minutes. it was such a relief to hear the specialist say everything he did. my shoulders felt lighter with every tear of joy i released. i felt happy without worrying about peanut for the first time in weeks. it was incredible... i called fraser and my sisters to share the news before sending texts to my closest friends.
it's been two weeks, so i called the specialist's office today to inquire about the blood test from that day and am thrilled to report that peanut is officially "normal"; i absolutely cried after i hung up the phone with the lovely woman who took my call. fraser and i are forgoing further testing mostly because the results will not make any difference in our decisions regarding our son. we also don't have a history of devastating genetic diseases on either side, which is nice.
peanut will be here in four months. the love and support fraser and i received from our family and friends these past few weeks have been nothing short of a blessing... i'm not exactly religious but i do believe in the power of prayer and collective energy. we are so grateful to everyone who have said a prayer and/or sent love and positive energy our way. thank you.
i must also thank my husband, who never looked away from me as i cried or failed to hold my hand and kept me from completely falling apart simply by being by my side. i could not think of a better father for our son than fraser.
