kindness and generosity and laughter, oh my!

i'm taking a break from writing about boys and am dedicating this blog to a man. the man. it's my dad's birthday month, so why not?

it's no secret that i'm the black sheep of my family. i was the boy-crazy middle daughter, who has broken my father's heart more than once. i am not proud of this. i don't think it's cool... i've made many mistakes in my life and breaking my dad's heart will always be on the very top of that list.

growing up, my biggest fear was disappointing my parents. they had given up everything they knew and loved to give their children a better life halfway across the globe. i prided myself on getting good grades and not getting into trouble. that changed when i started really liking boys... man, boys really are trouble. i'll never forget my dad telling us how people in our hometown would tease him about having three daughters as he walked around with us. that's what you get for all the trouble you caused. all the hearts you broke. three daughters. we were karma personified.

here's the thing. making mistakes is a part of life. no matter how many people tell you something is not a good idea, you will feel compelled to find out for yourself. and you should. you cannot live your life afraid of making mistakes based on other people's experiences. you have to make your own choices. live your own life... i know i have. living my life authentically has led me to wonderful experiences and excruciating heartache. the numerous times i've admitted to making bad choices to my dad, he's always looked passed my shame, embarrassment and heartbreak and said nothing. not a justifiable i told you so or a blaming that's what you get. he just looks at me and understands; if he's disappointed in me, he doesn't show it.

there is no kindness in the world like the kindness in my father's eyes when my decisions haven't turned out the way i thought, intended or hoped it would. he looks at me. sees me. loves me. he says everything without saying a word. i know, without a doubt, that i there is nothing i can do in this life that would take his kindness away from me and that fact alone makes me braver, bolder, better.

my dad is the kind of man who would give you the shirt off his back; he is literally generous to a fault, often giving more than he has. one of my more vivid memories growing up is my dad buying all the neighborhood kids ice cream when my sisters and i wanted some; the ice cream man loved him. the kids loved him. everyone loved him. loves him... and why wouldn't they? he tells the best stories, cooks the best filipino dishes you'll ever taste and treats everyone he meets like his best friend. my dad is generous with his time, kindness and attention; he raised us to be compassionate because not everyone is as lucky as we are. not everyone has the same opportunities. 

generosity can be tricky though. when is it enough? is there such thing as too much? i think so. there's a fine line between being generous and giving too much of yourself. i've crossed this line and have struggled to find the right balance for me. i'm not one to keep score but i believe in the idea of giving and taking and visa versa. when i do something for someone, i expect a thank you. it doesn't have to be a big deal. it shouldn't be a big deal but you should acknowledge that someone opened the door for you, treated you to coffee, sent you to college. though it often does, generosity does not have to involve money; the most generous gifts i've received in my life haven't been bought.

laughter is one of those treasures. my dad is hilarious. he has stories for days; his enthusiasm is infectious, especially when he attempts to share them in english. his laughter fills any room with warmth and joy; i challenge anybody not to laugh with my dad when he's in his zone. friends i grew up with remember my dad's tall tale stories and his laughter. when i feel overwhelmed or have a problem to work through, my dad tells me to laugh it off. problems? what problems? laugh at it. it can't hurt you. 

that's the thing. sometimes it does hurt me and no matter what i do, i end up crying instead. there's no stopping the tears when you're vulnerable and feel utterly alone. the more you try to reign it in, the more it comes. it just happened to me today. i literally sobbed through the last third of my yoga practice. twenty minutes of non-stop tears. it took me by surprise and i was a little embarrassed by it. thankfully, i was in a room full of people who understand that being vulnerable is not something to shy away from but celebrated. out in the lobby, i joked and laughed about the experience knowing that i'm cared for and supported by the people around me.

i will always laugh because, no matter what happens, my dad will remind me to do so. he'll tell  me one of his many stories with a grin he can hardly hide, and i'll laugh. i'll laugh because my dad is awesome and just talking to him makes me happy; i'll laugh because i like the way i feel when i'm laughing. i laugh often and loudly. my dad will be celebrating his birthday on sunday; i'm sure we'll be laughing over the phone then. how lucky am i to have been raised by a man who values kindness, generosity and laughter most in life? very lucky. i know. i feel abundant, loved and vibrant  because i know what's important.

thanks, dad. i love you.

coffee dates and non-dates and friend dates, oh my!

i've kissed some boys. yes. boys... with an s. 

i'm putting my serial monogamist self on time out. at least i'm trying to... just for a bit.

hear me out. it's been almost a decade since i was last single, and bells, my wiser, more serious younger sister, along with most of my girlfriends, insist that i have a little fun. it's the first time in my adult life that i've been single after all. and let's be honest, six months of my samantha phase is not nearly enough. don't get me wrong. i am not about to do that craziness again. i don't think... whatever the case, i plan on living it up, loving every minute of it and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

let's start with online dating. here's my profile (omg!):

my self summary - i love football. not college. nfl. grew up in wisconsin, so i'm a cheesehead. you don't have to be a packer fan but you should be okay with my team beating yours =) i have a lot of friends and am super close to my family. i adore my nieces and nephews. i love to laugh and do it often. i'm an actress. you should know that.

what i'm doing with my life - i'm pursuing my dream and doing my part to make the world a better place than i found it by running a privately funded non-profit. i work with teenagers. they're challenging but also really great.

i'm really good at - being myself and making people feel comfortable. comes from my dad, who's awesome.

favorite books, shows, movies, music, food - i read the harry potter series in 46 days. i got addicted. it's hard to put down a good book... i love to eat and ask that you do not judge me based on my musical taste, which is shallow. i am not shallow.

the first thing people notice about me - my smile or my ass depending on whether i'm coming or going.
i spend a lot of time thinking about - love. life. my nieces and nephews. what I want to eat.

six things i could never live without - love, passion, kindness, laughter, friendship, generosity... not necessarily in that order

the most private thing i'm willing to admit - I've never been cool.

you should message me if - i'm sort of a white boy kind of girl. also like them tall with nice smiles... you have to be able to make me laugh. super important. if you can cook, that's awesome. nfl fans are a plus.

those of you who date online know exactly which site i'm on. it's free and a good way to see what it's all about. (honestly, i'm a little afraid of match and eharmony because i feel like some dude is gonna propose on the first few dates and i am just not ready for that. for now.) i've gone on a handful of coffee dates off this site. the first one tried to hold my hand and kiss me. (wtf?) the second was super sweet and gave me flowers. i went on a lunch date with him (more flowers) but didn't see it going anywhere. let's be honest, if i don't want to kiss you after a second date, it's not gonna happen. i'm always thankful for the date and super sweet as i kindly decline a third date. no need to waste anyone's time, you know?

i did eventually agree to a third date, mostly because boston made me laugh. he took me out for sushi, one of my favorites. i didn't talk much because he had a lot to say. he kissed me goodnight. it was nice. i saw him a fourth time and wasn't really into it. when i gently declined his offer for another date, he told me to piss off. thankfully, it was via text. exactly why i don't give out my number. lesson learned... i'll continue coffee dating regardless; i look at it as practice for actual dates while enjoying one of my favorite beverages and hopefully having an interesting conversation with a stranger.

in the meantime, i've gone on non-dates: drinks with someone i like but know is trouble and dinner with a friend i've always had a crush on. (yup. really writing this.)

i'll start with handyman, who i started messaging with innocently enough a few weeks ago. he made me laugh and was alternately sweet and umm... dirty. he took me out for a drink and i turned into a fifteen year old who didn't know what to do with herself at his place. i showed up a few days later determined to redeem myself. we had fun; he has abs that i've only ever seen in advertisements and movies (i totally get how emma stone's character felt in "crazy stupid love"). it's almost not fair. who can say no to abs like that? (not me either!) handyman made it very clear that fun is all it will ever be; i agreed. i've been here before, ten years ago, and what i've learned is this: when a man tells you dating is off the table, you have to believe him. no matter how nice he is to you, how much he makes you laugh and how comfortable you are around him, it's not going to happen. ever... but you can enjoy him for awhile. and with those abs? why not? no one will blame you.

now, smoker. we've been friends for a few years and i admire his work. there's something sexy about someone who's good at their craft (i saw alicia keys in concert a few months ago; i had no idea how sexy she was until then. wow!). i'm pretty sure the crush is mutual though he won't admit to it. regardless, we had dinner (something we've been doing for years now) and i kissed him (never happened before) after just to see what it would be like... it was good, which surprised me because he smokes (duh?) and i was sure i would taste it. i didn't (yey!). he recently started seeing someone, so clearly this is a no go and i'm totally fine with that. in fact, i want him to keep dating her and told him not to fall in love with me. i like kissing him and i'll keep kissing him as long as he lets me, but, at the end of the day, smoker is my friend and i don't want to mess with that... if i haven't already.

without question, the best kind of dates i've been on these past few months have been with my incredibly supportive, loving, wonderful friends. whether it's dinner out with super team, bikes and hikes with my wingwomen, dinner in with my hula girls, coffee/tea with designer or another girlfriend, theater with playwright or twirling in our living room before/after dinner and a movie with my roommate, i always have a great time eating, laughing and catching up with them. not only do i not know what i would do without their love and humor, my life would be boring and not very fun. i learned the hard way back in college that you need to make time for your friends whether you're in a relationship or not... especially when you're in one.

these friends are the ones who listen to you obsess over your breakup, your makeup, your crushes. they share war stories when you think you've done irreparable damage at work, in love, in life. when you don't feel human, they make sure you see what they see when they look at you, a strong, beautiful, loving, amazing woman with a heart you can see from a mile away, until you believe it and feel like yourself again... these same friends encourage you to have fun with all this and gently remind you to keep yourself open for the possibility of the real deal because they know you. they understand and support your choices, right, wrong or otherwise, as long as you're being true to yourself... something i've been working on and getting better at everyday.

i know what i want and what i deserve. i may have some fun now, but i won't settle for anything less than i know i'm worth... take it. leave it. whatever.