three years and five years and nine years, oh my!

i am a serial monogamist.

one high school boyfriend. three years.
i was a sophomore. lint was a senior.
he cheated. i bailed... or he did. i don't remember.

one boy the summer between high school and college.
we were in the same class. tiny was the sweetest.
he broke up with me over the phone the first week of college.
not exactly a fun start to my collegiate years; he was right to do it.

one college boyfriend. five years.
golfer was a year behind me.
we had that crazy relationship only justifiable by the fact that we were in our early 20s.
he broke up with me a year after moving to la to be with me.
my heart broke into a million pieces; it was the best thing he could have done for both of us.

six months of what i can only describe as my "samantha" phase.
i was bold, spontaneous and absolutely ridiculous.
it was a lot of fun. i got bored quickly.
no one refused my advances.
there was no challenge.
i decided to date again.

one big adult relationship. nine years.
beamer was nine years older.
he knew what i would say or do before i did. he was a challenge.
i left two years in because he couldn't tell me he loved me. he did.
i left four years later because he wasn't ready to marry me. he promised he would.
i blinked and was three years older with no ring on my finger. he really wasn't ready.
i moved out knowing that i couldn't live with myself if i stayed.

that was six months ago.
beamer and i have seen each other once since then.
we were both devastated by it but, ultimately, it was the right thing to do.
i still get sad, sometimes angry, about it, but it is what it is.
we didn't want the same thing and that's okay.
sometimes you just have to let love go. let everything fall apart.
it sucks and it hurts and it makes you want to crawl into a hole. you cry.
then you get up, dust yourself off and look ahead. you breathe.


how's that for an introduction? welcome to my blog, lovelies. xo