yesterday was my maternal grandmother's birthday. she would have been a hundred.
growing up, i was her obvious favorite and she was mine. when she got really sick several years ago, i didn't go to see her. she died after a massive surgery a few weeks later and, still, i didn't go... i didn't want to see her like that and made every excuse not to. at the time, i truly believed i was doing the best thing. i see now that what i did was, in fact, the best thing. for me. i allowed my fear of losing my beloved grandmother to be a selfish excuse to not be there for her or my mom.
i haven't been back to the philippines since we celebrated my grandmother's 85th birthday fifteen years ago. there is a part of me that never wants to go back because she won't be there anymore and her death will be real... obviously, it is but i haven't been back there to see it. to experience the world of my childhood without her. it breaks my heart just thinking about it.
her picture graces my messy desk. i cry when i look into her eyes. her love for me shines through her eyes even in a photograph. i have many memories of her protecting, encouraging, teaching, defending, spoiling, taking care of me. she used to braid my hair every morning for school and was so proud of everything i did. i often wonder if she'd be proud of me today.
there's an exercise we do in the non-profit i work in that asks our teenage students to stand before their peers and declare the things they love, hate and dream. it's the last exercise we do in each class before they start writing their show because it reminds everyone in the room that, in spite of our differences, we are all similar in our desire for love, reasons for hate and dreams for the future. to be successful is almost always a part of everyone's dreams for themselves. most of our students equate making a lot of money with success. the more enlightened ones focus their dreams on being happy.
wouldn't it be wonderful for the world to recognize being happy as an essential part of a successful life?
my sister, bells, travels the world with an expense account and has beautiful three-year-old twins at home (4bed, 3.5bath, 3car garage) with her husband. we had an interesting exchange over the phone recently.
me: i babysat the other night. so much fun.
bells: i wish i did random, fun jobs like you.
me: you make six figures, live in your dream house and have healthy twins. i wish i had that.
bells: it's not all that. i wish i live in warm weather.
me: true. i wouldn't trade being in shorts in february but hustling is not glamorous.
bells: it sounds fun.
me: going to europe sounds fun.
the grass is always greener on the other side.
that said, i've never seen bells happier than she's been since having her twins. i've also been much happier lately... would bells like to live in warmer weather and have more time to sing and dance? of course. would i like to make more money and be a working actress and a mother already? absolutely. but the fact that we're both happy with what we have (my 1bed, 1bath, tandem parking with fraser is awesome) makes each of us a success in our own right. it looks different for everyone. what makes each of our lives beautiful and worth the fight is our individual passions and the happiness we create when we live up to our potential.
i dream of a world where success is not measured by the amount of money you make or the things you possess but how kindly you treat yourself and others, how much happiness you hold in your heart and how much love and creativity you express to the world.
my grandmother loved to sing and dance. she had lots of friends and was a pillar in our hometown; she was really good with money. i'm very much like her with a bit of my paternal grandmother's compassion and hustling ways. they were both successful in their own way... i hope they're both proud of me.
