for the past few months, i've been on a mission to abandon hope and expectation. it sounds harsh because it is. after all, hope is sometimes all you have... but in order to free myself from the idea, the expectation, that beamer and i would somehow, magically work out our core differences, i had to let go of hope. it wasn't easy. isn't easy.
less than a year ago, the idea of letting go of anything in my familiar, comfortable life wasn't even a part of my reality. i led an easy, happy life with a man who provided me with love, laughter and financial support; he also left me longing for marriage and children as i watched everyone else in my life get married and have babies. let me be clear here. my desire to tie the knot and be a mother may have been ingrained in me from childhood but it's something that i really want as an adult. the idea of not being a mother someday breaks my heart. it has nothing to do with what everyone else in my world is doing or how i was raised, i'm simply meant to be a mother and, while i'm by no means old-fashioned, i want a partner to share that adventure with.
i love you so much but, if i have to choose between you and having children with someone else, i choose them.
i made my choice and left beamer with a heavy, broken heart. i questioned my choice to do so every day. every hour. every minute those first few weeks. it consumed me and i was grateful to start teaching again soon after i moved out. every morning last semester, i made a choice to get out of bed and do my job. there were so many days i cried and screamed in my car on the way to school before forcing myself, choosing, to pull it together to run the show. i left all of my questions, uncertainties and insecurities in my car and chose to be present in a room full of teenagers and company members every day.
after our twelve week program, i apologized to my executive director for being all over the place and not being as on top of things as i normally am. he was surprised i felt the way i did. apparently, in choosing to pause the madness in my head for even just the few hours i taught every day, the show did go on. successfully. while our company members knew about my situation, they steered clear of talking to me about it unless i said something first. they chose to be gently supportive, which i needed desperately. working with an amazing group of artists and talented teenagers, difficult as they may sometimes be, saved my sanity.
the choice is always ours to get up for that spin class, take yoga after, smile at people, meet up with your friends, go on a date, be kind to ourselves... i made a choice to see beamer three weeks ago. we had lunch at a place we frequented as a couple. it had been five months since we last laid eyes on each other and it felt good to sit across from him and catch up a bit. we were at ease with each other, talking like only longtime friends can. there was no anger or resentment or blame but, even as we laughed, there was sadness. it felt different. something had changed and i soon realized it was me. my heart felt free from guilt and frustration at the fact that we didn't workout. apparently, love doesn't conquer all when you make the choice to love yourself first.
while the choice is always yours (and you should take responsibility for the ones you make), control is not and thinking that you have any control over what happens in the world or how people act or even your own feelings will eventually drive you crazy... if it hasn't already. i've learned over the past few months that the only thing i really have control over are the choices i make in deciding what to do about or how to react to what life throws my way.
i had my life planned out when i was ten: i was going to spend a year as miss america, go to med school, become a doctor, get married and have babies years before i turned thirty. almost six years past my dirty thirty, i'm an actress living in la, running a privately funded non-profit and doing other odd jobs, with a roommate on the westside and very much single. nothing like i planned but exactly how it needs to be... if i ran for miss america now, i would kick ass in the interviews and have a real chance at winning the crown simply because i know myself so much better at 35 than i did at 20; i have hard earned wisdom that no twenty something young woman has. i certainly didn't when i was vying for the title of miss wisconsin all those years ago. i had no control over that.
i chose to drop my pre-med major and tell my parents i didn't want to be a doctor after my first semester in college; i had no control over the fact that my passion was in performing, not dissecting things and learning formulas. i've clearly made choices that's led me to being single again; no control over anyone else's choices. i've chosen to surround myself with only good people because i know i cannot control crazy be it my own or someone else's... every day, i'm faced with infinite choices and no control so, whenever possible, i choose love over hate, courage over fear, compassion over judgement. i fail some days because, even though i recognize that life isn't fair, it pisses me off that not everyone is given a real shot at it. sometimes, i want control over something and it drives me illogically crazy that i don't.
a few years ago, i came into work and everyone marveled at how pretty my hair looked. i was embarrassed to admit that i had just combed it after taking a shower. i hadn't combed my hair in a decade; i'd just been running my fingers through it. i didn't realize it made such a huge difference when i took the time to comb it. one whole minute... i now comb my hair whenever i wash it. a choice made to make myself slightly more presentable. i have no control over how my hair will be on any given day though whether i comb it or not. it just is and i'm okay with that unless i have an audition or feeling particularly unattractive or unhappy, in which case i put on some makeup and maybe even blow dry my hair choosing to present myself differently to the world for my own benefit.
combing your hair and putting on makeup is easy. controlling how you feel or how the world perceives you on any given day is impossible. your best bet is to make the choice that feels right and not expect anything. you may change your mind the next day, week, year... allow yourself that choice. i wanted to make it work with beamer so badly that i spent another three years choosing to be with him until i didn't want to, couldn't, anymore... i have no idea what the future holds for me. all i know is, i wanted a different result, so i made a different choice. it's really that simple. it's not easy nor is it comfortable, but it is simple.
i chose me.
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