trust, vulnerability and jumping in, oh my!!!

today is beamer's birthday... after giving it a lot of thought and exchanging texts with several of my closest friends, i've decided not to contact him. instead, i posted a photo of me with fraser on my facebook timeline for the first time. beamer is not on facebook. fraser and i are not friends on it. only my closest friends will know the significance of my choice. of closing one door and opening another.

i will always remember beamer's birthday and only wish him love, happiness and success. introducing fraser into my social media circle today is my acknowledgement of the immense amount of growth and change in my heart, mind and soul... two months ago, i was sure i'd be posting a photo of beamer and me wishing him the happiest of birthdays. today, i've chosen to trust the path i'm on and the fact that fraser is very much a part of it. it's a far cry from questioning everything about/with him just a few weeks ago.

the truth is i'm happy. we laugh all the time and time passes quickly when we're together. i can hardly believe the lightness of my soul, the ease of my mind or the giddiness of my heart. it just feels right. there's no other way to describe it... i've asked myself all the questions over and over. am i really this happy? is this guy for real? does it feel right? are you sure? yes. yes. yes... yes. the only thing left to do is let go and trust that my heart, mind and soul know enough to recognize what's really happening.

i am falling.

or jumping... there's a vulnerability that i wasn't sure i'd be willing to put out there again. not after experiencing the reality of never having any guarantees in love, life or even shoes because no matter how much you give of yourself or how well you take care of people or things, sometimes it doesn't work out. sometimes you get your heart broken. sometimes your favorite shoes fall apart along with the rest of your life.

being vulnerable is the last thing you want put out there again when that happens. i resisted everything with fraser. despite all the time we spent together and how lovely it always was, i refused to admit we were dating. my friends shook their heads when i stumbled to find another word for boyfriend when i talked about him. i call you my girlfriend behind your back all day long. he's been patient, kind, understanding, fun. he makes me feel like the prettiest, loveliest, smartest girl in the world.

why not trust that? why not be vulnerable? why not jump?

because it could hurt, that's why... hmm, i can get hurt. that sucks but you know what would suck more? not trusting the incredible happiness i feel when i'm around him. not allowing myself to be vulnerable and missing out on something that could be really great. not jumping because of fear... besides, he's already met my dad.

so here i go.

again.