i feel like a monday morning quarterback when i think about the years i spent trying to fit an ideal i never was or ever wanted to be. it was subconscious and the more effort i put into understanding myself, the clearer it becomes. like little details that seem irrelevant in the moment but are undoubtedly big, important parts of your every day experience. bells saw it years before i did. newsister, my brother's wife, commented that i became quiet around my ex when she first met him. i don't know, ate. you're different around him. less shiny. i'm not used to it.
looking back, there are many little details that i chose to overlook because i was determined that i was going to marry my ex. determined. not sure. determined... but this isn't about that. this is about me now. i've never been a fan of change but am grateful i was somehow strong enough to make the ones i did just over year ago. my life is so much better today because i decided take a risk and let go of the life i knew in order to live the life i wanted. stepping out of my comfort zone paid off in more ways than i ever could have imagined.
while fraser has been a big factor as a positive influence in my life for the past few months, i have to preface the rest of this post with the fact that i started being truly happy with myself and my life again before fraser was in the picture. it took months for me to really start letting go of the old me and the life that went with her but, by the time i met fraser, i was walking with my head held high, my hips swinging and my lips curled up into a genuine smile again because i knew i was worth something.
that said, nothing is better than being with someone who loves you exactly as you are. one of my favorite things in the world is seeing someone i love be loved completely by their significant other in every day life. having it for myself is surreal; i never thought i'd find someone to love me exactly the way i need to be loved because my needs are so specific to me.
when my world came crashing down just over a year ago, my friends consoled me with the standards: you'll find someone better for you... when it happens, you're just going to know... he exists. there's a man out there who will love you the way you want and deserve him to... i had no idea what any of it meant before fraser and still find it incredible that we met online. there was no way we ever would've otherwise; we have very different pasts. also amazing that we met when we did because fraser and i would not have been attracted to each other even just a year or two ago; we were different people then.
it all came together for us at the right time six months ago and it translates to the rest of my life... fraser and i were in the car on our way to meet sassy and musician for dinner a couple of weeks ago when fraser smiled out of nowhere and laughed privately.
me: what? why are you smiling?
fraser: i just never thought i'd ever date, much less end up with, an actress.
me: huh... how's that going?
fraser: i like it. it's creative... unconventional. it's good.
he supports my dream and my passions. whatever is important to me is a priority to him, a far cry from being asked how much longer i want to pursue acting, having to keep repeating what matters to me and defending my opinions about religion and politics. there are so many things i love about fraser: he communicates well, cooks, cleans, always says thank you, owns his actions, tries to keep up with my social calendar, reads sides with me for auditions, tells me i'm pretty, buys me flowers, opens doors for me, makes me laugh, compliments my cooking... the fact that he doesn't want me to be anything but myself is definitely the cake though; the rest is just the light fluffy, buttery icing.
there are still days when self doubt comes out to play and i have to tackle her down before she scores. it's so much easier to do that when you feel good about yourself and how you're living your life. my family and friends have always been amazing at cheering me on; it's so cool to have a partner who does the same with as much enthusiasm and a steady presence every day... he's going to meet my family in may. i cannot wait for them to get to know him and for him to become a part of them.
i'm super shiny these days... and the world notices. it's awesome.
while fraser has been a big factor as a positive influence in my life for the past few months, i have to preface the rest of this post with the fact that i started being truly happy with myself and my life again before fraser was in the picture. it took months for me to really start letting go of the old me and the life that went with her but, by the time i met fraser, i was walking with my head held high, my hips swinging and my lips curled up into a genuine smile again because i knew i was worth something.
that said, nothing is better than being with someone who loves you exactly as you are. one of my favorite things in the world is seeing someone i love be loved completely by their significant other in every day life. having it for myself is surreal; i never thought i'd find someone to love me exactly the way i need to be loved because my needs are so specific to me.
when my world came crashing down just over a year ago, my friends consoled me with the standards: you'll find someone better for you... when it happens, you're just going to know... he exists. there's a man out there who will love you the way you want and deserve him to... i had no idea what any of it meant before fraser and still find it incredible that we met online. there was no way we ever would've otherwise; we have very different pasts. also amazing that we met when we did because fraser and i would not have been attracted to each other even just a year or two ago; we were different people then.
it all came together for us at the right time six months ago and it translates to the rest of my life... fraser and i were in the car on our way to meet sassy and musician for dinner a couple of weeks ago when fraser smiled out of nowhere and laughed privately.
me: what? why are you smiling?
fraser: i just never thought i'd ever date, much less end up with, an actress.
me: huh... how's that going?
fraser: i like it. it's creative... unconventional. it's good.
he supports my dream and my passions. whatever is important to me is a priority to him, a far cry from being asked how much longer i want to pursue acting, having to keep repeating what matters to me and defending my opinions about religion and politics. there are so many things i love about fraser: he communicates well, cooks, cleans, always says thank you, owns his actions, tries to keep up with my social calendar, reads sides with me for auditions, tells me i'm pretty, buys me flowers, opens doors for me, makes me laugh, compliments my cooking... the fact that he doesn't want me to be anything but myself is definitely the cake though; the rest is just the light fluffy, buttery icing.
there are still days when self doubt comes out to play and i have to tackle her down before she scores. it's so much easier to do that when you feel good about yourself and how you're living your life. my family and friends have always been amazing at cheering me on; it's so cool to have a partner who does the same with as much enthusiasm and a steady presence every day... he's going to meet my family in may. i cannot wait for them to get to know him and for him to become a part of them.
i'm super shiny these days... and the world notices. it's awesome.
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