Daycare: Day One

Hello, 2018.

It's Max's first day at daycare and I have to consciously stop myself from picking him up now that I'm home from teaching private Pilates at the studio and my first audition of the year. He was actually registered to start a couple of days ago, but I kept him home because he was just getting over a fever and had cold from ten days of traveling over the holidays.

I know it's silly. I've thought and written about wanting time for myself again for many months and, now that it's here, I don't know what to do with myself. It's so calm and quiet here without Max. It's weird... and sad.

Of course, Fraser is totally fine about it. In fact, he dropped him off this morning because we decided it would be harder for Max if we were both there (and he's more attached to me). Fraser sent me a picture of Max at the table with other kids, looking like he'd been hanging out with them forever. Max cried when Fraser said bye but not for long (I called to ask). I reached out to Bells this morning and she reassured me, along with my amazing mama tribe, that Max is fine. 

Both of my boys are fine.

Why am I sad? 

That is a loaded question and one that I want to answer. I think it all starts with motherhood being all shades of gray, never black and white. For me, the fact that he may be our only one adds a layer of bittersweetness to every phase he grows into. While I don't want to be a helicopter parent, I have to admit I can understand why it happens. They grow so fast and you want to hang on to every stage of their development for just a little longer.

Max doesn't enthusiastically run to the door when I come home anymore nor does he cry when I leave. It's as if every stage is around just long enough for us to get used to it before he moves on to something else. Even his laugh is different. 

I am so glad he's independent and very social, and there are days I wish he was more so then he's in daycare and I want him back in my arms all the live long day. What kind of crap are you trying to pull, motherhood? You surprise and humble me every step of the way.

The sadness is recognizing the change and not being quite ready for it. I'll probably never be ready for all the growth Max will go through by the time he is, and I have to be okay with that. 

In my early twenties, I told my parents that I was moving in with my college boyfriend and asked them to trust me because they've taught me right from wrong and I didn't want to lie to them. How foolish of me to think my parents could simply trust me and be okay with my very adult decision. I have tears in my eyes thinking about Max saying those very words to me because I finally get it now. I will always be a little girl to my parents just as Max will always be my baby.

This is a new chapter for all of us. Fraser is going back to the gym; I'm happily auditioning again and have time for yoga, coffee with friends and writing; Max will make friends and thrive in daycare. I can get on board with all of that. 

What a way to start the year. Happy happy, beauties.