looking in the mirror

my older sister gave me a hard time the other day for leaving a painting (an original by her husband, who gave it to me for my college graduation years ago) with beamer when i moved out a year a half ago, so i called beamer on a whim and left a voicemail. i'd sent a text about the painting weeks before and didn't get a response; i was genuinely surprised when he called me back just minutes later.

me: hi, beamer.

beamer: hey. congratulations!

me: what? 

beamer: i heard you got engaged. congratulations!

me: oh. yeah. i did. thank you. congratulations on getting married!

beamer: yeah. well. i guess hell froze over.

we went on with pleasantries, eventually got around to the painting (which he promised to locate and give back to me), and somehow ended up talking about my upcoming wedding. while it was a nice conversation, it was surreal even as i was having it. even more strange is the fact that fraser was driving us home from lunch as it all happened. it felt like a circle completing itself into fullness just over a month before i become mrs fraser.

i have dreamed about my wedding since i was a wee little girl: what i would wear, where it would be, what music would play... even in my twenties, i only ever thought about the day of and how magical it would be. thankfully, i've evolved since those fairy tale dreams and recognize that the days leading up to the wedding and the days after are just as important as the day i legally commit to spend the rest of my life with someone. maybe even more so. 

the past couple of years has been one of self discovery and transformation. the past couple months have been a self-imposed study of the lessons i've learned from past relationships as fraser and i navigate the delicate balance of planning a wedding and simultaneously being good partners to each other... i am admittedly much more patient with, nurturing to and understanding of fraser because of my experiences with my exes. i've made a lot of mistakes and, in the process, have learned three tangible truths about relationships.

apologizing. i took pride in not saying i was sorry in past relationships even after i realized i was wrong. instead, i would change the subject and pretend it never happened. whichever ex i had wronged would be so relieved i was no longer going to war that he went along with sweeping my mistake under the rug. after years of not taking responsibility for whatever injustice i caused, i felt entitled to their shallow apologies and they, in turn, resented my arrogance... unfortunately, not apologizing was something i learned from watching my mom. it's a damaging downside to being raised surrounded by strong-willed, stubborn women. i grew up believing that apologizing is a sign of weakness. that to apologize is to concede. to give up power... i didn't understand that taking responsibility for a false accusation, a flash of jealousy, a moment of insecurity, would bring me closer to my partner. by being vulnerable and open and apologizing when i'm wrong, i allow fraser to get to know me better and help him understand how i need to be loved.

fighting. i loved fighting with my exes in my twenties because all that energy felt like passion. back then, i wholeheartedly believed fighting was part of a healthy relationship and fueled each one with references to things that happened in the past. without a second thought, i not only judged my exes in the moment, i also made sure they remembered every terrible thing they'd done. i knew which buttons to push and i strategically poked at my exes until we were both so emotionally exhausted that neither of us even remembered what started the battle... fraser and i have yet to have a full on fight, which would've made me feel uneasy ten years ago, and it's awesome. we talk about our disagreements. because we're not afraid of being judged, fraser and i openly explain our point of view. we don't always agree with each other and agree to disagree when we don't. being right is not nearly as important as respecting the fact that we will have different opinions, ideas and ways of doing things. what fraser thinks is as valid as my own thoughts and visa versa.

listening. as an actor, listening is a must in order to stay in the moment and not get distracted by your own thoughts. turns out, the same principle applies in life... in the midst of a heated argument, i often stop listening and focus only on being heard. i'd raise my voice to top my exes' and he'd do the same until we'd crescendo into a cacophony of unheard explanations and attacks until we'd both be screaming at the top of our lungs desperately trying to be heard. it's devastating. even after a bandaid solution is met, the hurtful words would echo inside our heads eventually making their way into our hearts... listening forces you back in the moment. it demands that you stop your own thoughts and focus on what your partner is saying. 

after a sleepless night several months ago, i was failing to articulate why i was so upset as fraser sat at our dining room table for breakfast with me. 

me: i don't know... you know what? forget it... it's fine. i'll fix it...

fraser: (gently says my name then)... don't end the conversation just because you don't know what to say. we need to figure this out.

as i looked back into a set of eyes that saw my vulnerability and chose to protect instead of expose it, i thanked god, the universe or whoever is in charge, for a man who did not shy away from communicating even when it's not easy. who listened to me as i carefully revealed myself. who encouraged me to make him understand... when i first started dating fraser, i was in awe of how much he remembered. even after years of dating, my exes forgot dates, plans and random facts pertaining me. i guess they weren't really listening... i cannot express how wonderful it is to be heard, to be listened to, to be so important that fraser knows my friends' names and our history before he even meets them.

really looking at yourself can be difficult. a year and a half ago, a defeated face stared back at me. a year ago, determination took over as i began dating again. six months later, giddy in love, a smiling face greeted me whenever i caught my reflection. in the midst of wedding plans just two months ago, conversations i had with fraser put mirrors in front of me that i couldn't ignore. the reflections were hard to swallow.

while i never pointed fingers at beamer for our breakup, i did so because i felt like i was taking the high road. the past couple of months have made me truly recognize my part in the whole ordeal, especially when fraser himself told me he wouldn't have wanted to marry someone who never apologized, fought to win and didn't listen. his words were not meant to hurt me. they never are. still, his words felt like blows to my heart as i finally understood my role in breaking beamer's heart. after talking to him the other day, i felt a sense of peace. it had been almost a year since i heard his voice and i was relieved that my heart did not ache. i wish him well (i wish all of my exes well); i hope he's happier than he sounds. it felt good to end the conversation and come back to the present moment with fraser, who is as flawed as i am but perfect for me all the same. he brings out the best version of me by loving me exactly as i come.

i don't know anything about being married, but i'm so glad fraser is the person i'll be learning with for the rest of my life.