perspective

a few months ago, my dear friend mrpretty pointed out that i was walking, talking and facing life with confidence, quickly adding that i always had it but never really let it shine. there's a difference. it's good. you're owning yourself.

i feel like a monday morning quarterback when i think about the years i spent trying to fit an ideal i never was or ever wanted to be. it was subconscious and the more effort i put into understanding myself, the clearer it becomes. like little details that seem irrelevant in the moment but are undoubtedly big, important parts of your every day experience. bells saw it years before i did. newsister, my brother's wife, commented that i became quiet around my ex when she first met him. i don't know, ate. you're different around him. less shiny. i'm not used to it.

looking back, there are many little details that i chose to overlook because i was determined that i was going to marry my ex. determined. not sure. determined... but this isn't about that. this is about me now. i've never been a fan of change but am grateful i was somehow strong enough to make the ones i did just over year ago. my life is so much better today because i decided take a risk and let go of the life i knew in order to live the life i wanted. stepping out of my comfort zone paid off in more ways than i ever could have imagined.

while fraser has been a big factor as a positive influence in my life for the past few months, i have to preface the rest of this post with the fact that i started being truly happy with myself and my life again before fraser was in the picture. it took months for me to really start letting go of the old me and the life that went with her but, by the time i met fraser, i was walking with my head held high, my hips swinging and my lips curled up into a genuine smile again because i knew i was worth something.

that said, nothing is better than being with someone who loves you exactly as you are. one of my favorite things in the world is seeing someone i love be loved completely by their significant other in every day life. having it for myself is surreal; i never thought i'd find someone to love me exactly the way i need to be loved because my needs are so specific to me.

when my world came crashing down just over a year ago, my friends consoled me with the standards: you'll find someone better for you... when it happens, you're just going to know... he exists. there's a man out there who will love you the way you want and deserve him to... i had no idea what any of it meant before fraser and still find it incredible that we met online. there was no way we ever would've otherwise; we have very different pasts. also amazing that we met when we did because fraser and i would not have been attracted to each other even just a year or two ago; we were different people then.

it all came together for us at the right time six months ago and it translates to the rest of my life... fraser and i were in the car on our way to meet sassy and musician for dinner a couple of weeks ago when fraser smiled out of nowhere and laughed privately.

me: what? why are you smiling?
fraser: i just never thought i'd ever date, much less end up with, an actress.
me: huh... how's that going?
fraser: i like it. it's creative... unconventional. it's good.

he supports my dream and my passions. whatever is important to me is a priority to him, a far cry from being asked how much longer i want to pursue acting, having to keep repeating what matters to me and defending my opinions about religion and politics. there are so many things i love about fraser: he communicates well, cooks, cleans, always says thank you, owns his actions, tries to keep up with my social calendar, reads sides with me for auditions, tells me i'm pretty, buys me flowers, opens doors for me, makes me laugh, compliments my cooking... the fact that he doesn't want me to be anything but myself is definitely the cake though; the rest is just the light fluffy, buttery icing.

there are still days when self doubt comes out to play and i have to tackle her down before she scores. it's so much easier to do that when you feel good about yourself and how you're living your life. my family and friends have always been amazing at cheering me on; it's so cool to have a partner who does the same with as much enthusiasm and a steady presence every day... he's going to meet my family in may. i cannot wait for them to get to know him and for him to become a part of them.

i'm super shiny these days... and the world notices. it's awesome.

closure, 363 days later

after getting home from a lovely dinner and a movie date with fraser last night, i logged into facebook on my phone out of habit and the second status i read, from an acquaintance, congratulated beamer on his engagement to his ex-girlfriend. WTF?!?! in shock, i sent texts to a handful of friends and quickly received responses from them. there were a lot of f-words and variations of it. it would've made me laugh had i not felt a sting in my heart. fraser asked what was wrong and i vaguely implied that we were all just trying to figure something out.

five minutes later, my phone was down and i faced fraser.

fraser: are your friends okay?
me: yeah. they're fine... i have to tell you something.
fraser: what's up?
me: beamer just got engaged to his ex-girlfriend.
fraser: who?
me: beamer... my ex just got engaged to his ex.

silence.

when fraser asked how i was feeling, the word that came to mind was shocked. he asked if i was hurt. yes... but i wasn't sad and felt that i could be happy for beamer at some point. not just then. i used the word rejected last night but betrayed is a more accurate description of how i feel.

one of my best friends, sassy, articulated what i wasn't willing to say out loud or even put together in my mind. i had spent the last three years of our relationship waiting, expecting, hoping for beamer to propose. there were numerous times i tried to give him an out by telling him that it was fine if he didn't want to marry me but i needed to hear him say it. he never did. in fact, the day i moved out, he told me he always thought he'd have more time, which flabbergasted me. more time? we'd been together for nine years. i left six years in and he begged me to come back promising me we'd get engaged, married and have children. three years and many conversations later, i decided it was time to go and i still lived with him for three months after that... i simply wasn't the one for him. apparently, the one who cheated on him and broke him so completely is. that's a low blow. it's also true. both his ex-fiance and current one cheated on him, and i don't feel like playing nice in this moment because beamer betrayed me.

it hurts because i just had a conversation with fraser about possibly meeting up with beamer for closure. i was worried about how he was doing and wanted to see him. it hurts because beamer was my best friend for nine years and he lied to me. i'm not even sure he knew why it didn't feel right for him to propose to me nor did he try to figure it out. therapy was discussed but never really on the table. it hurts because i gave so much of myself and my time to him because i believed him. i trusted him. i loved him... and he betrayed me by not being honest with himself and not letting me go. i had to be the one to leave again when, clearly, he was the one who wanted out. maybe he was afraid of being alone, even of losing me, but he should've been man enough to do it.

i remember a woman with the same name as his now fiance calling beamer, who took the calls privately and told me it was work. there are movies in my head about how they got back together but none of them matter. the fact that they are back together has nothing to do with me and i do wish them well. even as my mind races with various emotions, i am not sad.

fraser loves me better than beamer ever did. and i'm happy. not just on the outside but inside, where it really counts. i have received so much love via texts and phone calls from an army of friends, who support my well being. more than that, i do not want to be with beamer. we are each other's pasts. processing this has my mind racing and, when wingwoman2 told me she googled his name with hers to make sure the engagement was real, i had to do the same. they have a wedding website and are getting married in may. as in three months from now. fourteen months after i left.

disappointed does not begin to describe how i feel about the fact that beamer did not give me a heads up about his engagement. don't get me wrong, i understand that he doesn't have to do that but, after nine years together, i deserve at least that. especially when he used to always tell me that he just wasn't ready for marriage and it wouldn't make a difference if he was with someone else. i don't even think he was lying to me; he was lying to himself... unless his ex was always in the picture. and even that's fine.  what's not fine is letting me believe it would happen eventually if i just wait a little longer.

blondie, another friend, asked me today if i thought i maybe should have waited another year. absolutely not. i did what was best for me and stand firmly by my choice. i've known for months now that beamer and i are over. still, it's been just under a year since i left and he'd been on my mind recently. i thought it was because i needed closure and asked god, the universe or whoever is in charge to give me a sign. i feel like i'm at the right place, with the right person, but i wanted reassurance from something bigger than me... and my mom.

me: do you think i should see beamer for closure?
mom: why? did he contact you?
me: no.
mom: well, who do you want? beamer or fraser?
me: fraser.
mom: then don't see him.

i wrote beamer's best man speech for his brother's wedding several years ago. his brother met his wife on a dating site and part of his speech read god works in mysterious ways and, apparently, in the world wide web. had i not logged into facebook when i did last night, i would have missed that acquaintance's status completely, but god, the universe or whoever is in charge clearly works online. i was meant to see it.

i have been careful not to air out our dirty laundry on social media and in life; i have not said anything bad about him this past year. when we last saw each other six months ago, there was still love between us. it was different and unfamiliar but it was there. we said i love you when we said goodbye and reassured each other that we'd be there for the other if needed. he cried and told me it was so hard to say goodbye to me... even as betrayal, shock and hurt flow through my veins and try to poison my heart, i refuse to engage in name calling or finger pointing because i take responsibility for my part in the demise of what we once had. for all the words that have been used to describe beamer by my friends today, the only ones that i will use are not for me... never was. i was just too stubborn to see it.

let it out. let it go. move forward.

i'm done.

oh, hello 2014.

i'm going to wing my first blog post of the year. i've been over-thinking it. i had the perfect three subjects for a new year's post: lessons learned, resolutions and starting again. all relevant and works well together but i keep getting stuck. maybe because i feel stuck.

don't get me wrong. this year is starting off quite well for me. i spent two weeks with my family in wisconsin over the holidays, missing fraser like a teenager as i changed diapers, had dance parties with my nieces, ran around after my nephews, caught up with my siblings and my parents, and occasionally braved the weather (-15 degrees with -45 windchill at one point) to take spin classes with my new sister (aka my brother's wife). fraser welcomed me home with homemade chicken enchiladas and has been beyond awesome. i've been catching up with friends and am back to my workout schedule. my first audition of the year was for a film and went really well. the weather has been a dream in socal. things are good.

i'm happy... yet i find myself questioning all of it. i mean, am i really happy? is this really where i'm supposed to be? now that i'm with someone who wants the things i've been saying i wanted for years, i fear that i may not be ready after all. and is that really what i want in the first place? am i capable of handling my needs along with that of a husband and children while still pursuing my dream?

am i worthy of it all? of any of it?

i know. i know... I KNOW!!! 

if any of my friends confessed to feeling this insecure, i would look them in the eye and tell them, without a doubt in my mind, that they are worth it. all of it... and most days, i feel entitled to the same level of worthiness. some days, i feel like a sunshine goddess whose purpose is to spread love, encouragement and happiness. other days, i have to force myself to recognize the sun even as its warmth gently caresses my face.

i smile. a lot. all the time... no matter how i'm feeling, i put a smile on my face and forge ahead because that's the role i've played my whole life and i'm afraid to show the world anything but that smiling face. that face is familiar and comforting and usually authentic but there are days when it's a facade. we all wear one. mine just happens to be friendly and seemingly happy even as i feel my insides fall all over itself in a pool of inexplicable sadness and my mind races to the worst case scenarios to the questions above... please don't think my smile isn't genuine. it usually is but there are times when it's sole purpose is to avoid confrontation or conflict until i'm ready to face it. until i'm ready to face myself.

maybe i can still work those perfectly paired subjects into this post because i really have learned from times like these. i know i'm stronger than i think. this is a phase. it's not permanent. i am going to get through it and emerge wiser, armed with personal knowledge to more easily win the next battle within. in the meantime, it's imperative that i surround myself only with people who love, support and encourage me. there is no way i can come out of these depressions, mild as they are, without people who look me in the eye and tell me, without a doubt in their mind, that i am worth it. all of it. we all need a reminder, even those of us who seem to have it together all the time. especially them... you get what you give so you might as well shine light and love, show compassion and kindness, support other people's dreams. three life lessons i try put into practice every day. not just at the beginning of the year either.

let's be honest, new year's resolutions often fall on the wayside by february. sometimes march. so instead of making a list of things to change through control, my goal this year to let go of control. of expectation. of fear... control, expectation and fear will get you nowhere fast. it will eat at your soul and make you question your own glaring happiness... fraser is the first person i've dated who openly communicates his thoughts and feelings. when i have moments of control, expectation and/or fear, he discusses them with me. no judgment or desire to change me or a question of my motives. he wants to understand where i'm coming from and i, more often than not, fail to articulate my feelings well because i'm not used to being really listened to unless i force the issue. i need to let go of those habits because fraser is not beamer or golfer or whoever else made me question my worth in the past.

so i'm starting over. again... it's scary because change often is and things with fraser are going so fast, but i'm putting a smile on my face and forging ahead. not because it's expected but because i'm worth it. i deserve to be happy and to have what i want, even if what i want changes. even when i question my own worth because i'm allowed moments of uncertainty... as long as i recognize it as such and get over it as quickly as possible. with that, i'd like to share an excerpt from elizabeth gilbert's wonderful book, eat, pray, love:

happiness is the consequence of personal effort. you fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it... you have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. and once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it.

now go war.

trust, vulnerability and jumping in, oh my!!!

today is beamer's birthday... after giving it a lot of thought and exchanging texts with several of my closest friends, i've decided not to contact him. instead, i posted a photo of me with fraser on my facebook timeline for the first time. beamer is not on facebook. fraser and i are not friends on it. only my closest friends will know the significance of my choice. of closing one door and opening another.

i will always remember beamer's birthday and only wish him love, happiness and success. introducing fraser into my social media circle today is my acknowledgement of the immense amount of growth and change in my heart, mind and soul... two months ago, i was sure i'd be posting a photo of beamer and me wishing him the happiest of birthdays. today, i've chosen to trust the path i'm on and the fact that fraser is very much a part of it. it's a far cry from questioning everything about/with him just a few weeks ago.

the truth is i'm happy. we laugh all the time and time passes quickly when we're together. i can hardly believe the lightness of my soul, the ease of my mind or the giddiness of my heart. it just feels right. there's no other way to describe it... i've asked myself all the questions over and over. am i really this happy? is this guy for real? does it feel right? are you sure? yes. yes. yes... yes. the only thing left to do is let go and trust that my heart, mind and soul know enough to recognize what's really happening.

i am falling.

or jumping... there's a vulnerability that i wasn't sure i'd be willing to put out there again. not after experiencing the reality of never having any guarantees in love, life or even shoes because no matter how much you give of yourself or how well you take care of people or things, sometimes it doesn't work out. sometimes you get your heart broken. sometimes your favorite shoes fall apart along with the rest of your life.

being vulnerable is the last thing you want put out there again when that happens. i resisted everything with fraser. despite all the time we spent together and how lovely it always was, i refused to admit we were dating. my friends shook their heads when i stumbled to find another word for boyfriend when i talked about him. i call you my girlfriend behind your back all day long. he's been patient, kind, understanding, fun. he makes me feel like the prettiest, loveliest, smartest girl in the world.

why not trust that? why not be vulnerable? why not jump?

because it could hurt, that's why... hmm, i can get hurt. that sucks but you know what would suck more? not trusting the incredible happiness i feel when i'm around him. not allowing myself to be vulnerable and missing out on something that could be really great. not jumping because of fear... besides, he's already met my dad.

so here i go.

again.

grace, gratitude and going with the flow, oh my!!!

since i started working at a boutique spin and yoga studio in the spring, i've gotten back to spinning regularly and fallen in love with yoga. i hustle through spin and flow in yoga almost every day there. spinning pushes my physical endurance. i often yell obscenities as i add on more and more resistance while maintaining the same pace on the bike. it is hard. i'm normally sweaty five minutes into the forty-five minute ride and completely soaked by the end. it's aggressive, fast, unforgiving. breathlessness happens in spin... then i take yoga, which quiets my mind and centers my soul. i focus on my breath and flow in and out of poses with as much grace as my physical abilities allow. i've surprised myself by shedding tears during yoga more than once. yoga is hard in a different way. it cleanses my heart and reminds me of humility and my own strength. awareness of breath happens in yoga.

hustling and flowing has saved me from myself this past year. not only did working out give me something to do, it allowed my mind, body and soul to escape into a space that fosters a community based on love, encouragement and support. i'm not kidding. the studio i work at is full of beautiful, amazing women (and some good looking men, sure) who are there to either hustle and/or flow their way into leaner bodies and connect to their core... whether on a bike or a mat, i feel like i belong with them for the hour or so we spend together. some people are more experienced, more skilled, more graceful than the rest of us, which gives me something to work towards, to look forward to.

grace has never been my strong suit. while i can learn steps and execute choreographed routines, i was never a graceful dancer be it hula, tahitian, jazz, modern or (yikes!) ballet. to be fair, i didn't take dance classes until college and being graceful was the last thing i worried about as i tried to keep up. i love to dance but a dancer i am not. i like to pretend i am one though and twirl around in my apartment with my dancer roommate all the time like we're both ballerinas performing pieces set to 80s dance music. it's fun and we laugh breathlessly at our silliness. we're loud. yup. i laugh a lot and out loud. not exactly graceful but there's nothing better than a hearty laugh... or a good cry, which isn't socially graceful for some reason. there's no denying i'm a total klutz. i am constantly running into furniture, plants or whatever else jumps in front of me; i have scratches and bruises from these surprise attacks.

what i do try to be graceful about is the way i treat people, especially those i love. even when asked to be completely honest, i do so without being harsh whenever possible. i'm competitive but am neither a sore loser or a rub-it-in-your-face winner. losing sucks. winning is enough... it's been a year since beamer and i broke up now. we lived together for another three months after the fact. the morning i decided to move out followed one of the most ungraceful nights of my life. i will only say that i do not talk that way to people i love and knew it was time to go before i lost anymore of myself. graceful is how many of my friends describe how i handled our breakup. the fact that i didn't (and still don't) talk badly about him or announce our breakup on social media wasn't about being graceful, it was about treating what we once had with respect, compassion and gratitude.

every night before i go to sleep, i thank god, the universe or whoever is in charge for all the blessings, all the good things, all the lessons i encountered that day. most days, i readily come up with things to be thankful for: an especially challenging and, therefore, rewarding spin class, a yummy yoga flow, hearing from my mom, having lunch with a friend, kicking ass at an audition, unexpectedly getting a residual check, a two hour massage, blue skies, witnessing kindness between strangers, getting a voicemail from one of my nieces and/or nephews, getting a free carwash because it rained, the courage to say no to something i have no interest in doing... when i have a bad day, i give thanks for my loving family, my incredible friends, the fact that i have everything i need, not having to shave my legs, being happy, healthy and pretty... maybe it's cheesy or hippie or much too cosmic but it works.

giving gratitude for what you already have invites god, the universe or whoever is in charge to keep sending you people, experiences and seemingly random situations to be grateful for. even if it doesn't work that way, you've painlessly made yourself aware of how good you really have it... those sleepless nights when i first moved out were opportunities for me to really appreciate the people in my life. i named every family member and close friend in gratitude for being in my corner those first few months. i knew i wasn't alone as i faced the loneliness of sleeping solo for the first time in nearly a decade even as my heart seemingly stopped beating every now and then. i was incapable of seeing anything else to be grateful for at that point but acknowledging my gratitude helped my heart heal. it didn't just happen. i worked at it.

spontaneity is not something i'm good at. i like having a schedule and knowing what i need to get done and by when. it's the only way i can manage my time well... dating has been interesting because i don't play games. i don't respond to people i have no interest in meeting (unless they talk football; i always reply to those messages) and am happy to meet someone for coffee when they ask because compatibility percentages mean nothing if you don't hit it off in person. my online dating experience has been really positive. in fact, i recently disabled my profile because i've been seeing someone exclusively for several weeks now. this is where going with the flow comes in because i am beyond afraid of putting my heart out there again.

i don't even know where to start... we met online and exchanged messages for a few days before he asked to meet me in person. i agreed to dinner our first time out because our schedules did not allow for an afternoon date that week. he threw a bomb at me five minutes into our first date and has been fearlessly vulnerable and open with me since. i have, in turn, been as honest as i can be about my inability to do the same. due to personal circumstances on my end and his willingness to keep driving to my side of town, we've spent a lot of time together and have somehow stopped seeing other people. there's a sense of comfort between us. we laugh a lot... trust me. i tried to slow it down by refusing to admit i felt any of the things he said he was feeling and attempting to set up dates with other people that somehow never worked out. when i started introducing him to my friends, i knew i was in trouble. then i told my sisters about him. done... i'm finally more excited than scared about whatever it is we're doing (we're not defining it though he'll readily tell you it doesn't matter because it doesn't change anything for him), but i still find myself grasping for the safety of not going anywhere. of not falling.

every single one of my friends has told me to let go. to go with the flow. to enjoy the ride... so i am. it's not graceful (i've already freaked out on him more than once) but i am grateful. i didn't realize how unworthy i felt with beamer towards the end of our relationship but, no matter how you try to sugarcoat it, he chose not to marry me. his decision may not have anything to do with me as a person but it effected me deeply nonetheless... fraser makes me feel pretty and smart and worthy without an agenda. i feel like myself around him and not the scared, insecure, self-sabotaging version who comes out intent on protecting my heart. i get to be my normal fun-loving, always laughing, fearlessly badass, totally nerdy, happy self again. it's nice. he's sweet... i don't know what will happen a week, three days, four hours from now but going with the flow feels right in this moment.

so yeah. i'll just call him fraser, hustle and flow through breathlessness, grace and gratitude in spin and yoga, and call it a day.

sixteen, twenty-six and thirty-six, ah!!!

i started seven different blogs last month. it was my birthday month and there was a lot going on in my head but none of it felt inspired once i began writing them. while i felt incredibly loved as friends celebrated my birthday all month long with lunch, coffee and dinner dates, there was an tug of sadness in my heart and i didn't want to admit it. i wanted to write about the past year as one of change and transformation because it really was that... but it was also a year that broke me so completely that i find myself struggling to find the courage to be vulnerable again. i have become the girl i never wanted to be. while jaded seems a bit harsh, it's definitely along those lines. unfortunately.

i'm scared of... not finding the dude or, worse, finding him and getting my heart broken again. fooling myself into believing i have control over anything. not having any control. falling in love. not falling in love. opening up to the wrong person. not allowing myself to open up to the right one. trying too hard. not trying hard enough. losing balance. losing parts of my myself again. not having enough time. wasting it. doing the wrong thing. not doing anything... everything. i'm scared of everything.

everything i wrote last month felt contrived because i didn't want to share my fears. i have so much love and support and have worked hard over the past year to be present and thankful and appreciative for all of it. and i truly am... but, if i'm to be completely truthful, i have to write about the fears that accompany turning another year older no matter how i try to mask it. twentieth anniversary of my sweet sixteen, anyone?

i was sixteen when lint and i started dating. so much has happened in the twenty years since then. i've grown up a lot but am still the same girl with the big dreams and an even bigger heart. i'm a nurturer. i have a tendency to take care of other people before myself. only recently did i start to really put myself first, something that you really must do if you are to nurture anyone else. i don't have kids (yet!), so i don't know what being a mother is like, but i do know that not taking care of yourself will eventually leave you feeling empty and resentful. that part i know... i fear falling back into that with someone new.

i was twenty-six when beamer and i began what would become a nine year relationship. he sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday the day after the fact and i almost cancelled a dinner date i had planned. it was nice of him to remember and acknowledge it (beamer is not good with dates) but it may have been easier not to hear from him. not better. easier... i responded with a quick thank you and pressed send before i could start telling him all about the night before when i celebrated with a group friends; i wanted to share every detail with him... hearing from him no longer feels like someone decided to sit on my heart but it still stops for a second and i have to actively talk myself out of being sad.

no matter how good i feel about the progress and transformation i've made both emotionally and physically in less than a year, the fact that beamer could not bring himself to marry me continues to nag the back of my mind and stab parts of my heart... i don't think he'll ever figure it out nor do i hope he ever does because i'm not sure what that would mean for me after all this time. these are facts that only my body can feel. these are facts only my heart and mind can counter with as much grace and kindness and love that i can muster for myself. sometimes not a lot... i fear that i will forever be nagged and stabbed by this.

i'm thirty-six now and no closer to figuring out how this whole falling in love thing is supposed to happen. i've always been a jump-right-in kind of girl and being cautious is new to me. there's a desperate desire for me to feel safe, to protect my once free-loving heart, but i know that's not the way to go even as i subconsciously, purposefully build walls around my still mending heart. it seems unfair to whoever i start a relationship with for me to hold back, but that's exactly what i'm doing. even as one of the guys i've been seeing has clearly peaked my interest more than the others, i find myself planning dates with other people. it feels safer not to focus on just one. i've already done that. for nine years.

it's a battle within. my optimistic, openminded, outgoing self is weakened and fighting a much stronger afraid-to-be-vulnerable, still-nursing-a-broken-heart version of me. i'm rooting for the former but the latter is easier to live as... i realize i'll have to forgo easy and jump in again if i'm to even have a shot at what i eventually want in my life. for now though, i have to settle for being present exactly where i am and not judging every choice i make.

all i can do is be honest and kind and loving to the thirty-six year old woman looking back at me in the mirror and reassure her that she's exactly where she needs to be... for now.

fairy tales and real life and finding balance, oh my!

when i was little, i used to think little mice in tiny shirts and cute hats went into my closet and altered my clothes to be smaller. i'd seen how they'd made a beautiful blue gown for cinderella to wear to the ball and was confused why they'd chosen to shrink my stuff... i now know there were no mice after all; i was simply growing out of my clothes. of course, it's more fun to think that these friendly mice are responsible for my too tight jeans instead of the fact that i've gone out to eat with friends several times in the past few weeks or eaten cupcakes everyday or accidentally shrunk them in the dryer myself.

honestly, i wish my mice friends were in my closet altering my jeans a size or two smaller these days. i started working at an amazing boutique spin and yoga studio five months ago and, over the past three months, have made it a habit to take spin followed by yoga five or six days a week (yes, 10-12 classes a week). i still eat normally. cupcakes, potato chips and chocolate are very much a part of my diet but so are kale, quinoa and bananas. it's a balancing act. working out a lot means i'm hungry a lot, so i eat often and drink a lot of water... i don't think i've lost weight but i'm definitely leaner, so my clothes fit looser. thus, my need for my fairy tale mice; i really don't want to give up my collection of jeans.

as adorable and helpful as they are though, the mice have never been my favorite part of cinderella. it was the love story. the romance. i'd be lying if i said prince charming didn't make my heart melt. even as a wee little girl, i found him incredibly handsome and absolutely perfect. (thanks, disney, for turning me into a white boy kind of girl; growing up in wisconsin didn't help either.) i grew up with an image of an incredibly handsome, absolutely perfect man who would fall in love with me at first sight, pursue me with only my glass slipper to go on, marry me in front of the entire kingdom and have a castle for us to live in happily ever after. that's a fairy tale for you.

real life is... different. the incredibly handsome man is either gay or emotionally unavailable or, hard to believe (i know), just not interested, and the absolutely perfect man is your friend, one you're not attracted to or you're attracted to but he's married to someone else or, let's be honest, he's gay. i am surrounded by a variety of these men, none of whom i can feasibly date seriously much less marry... i enjoy their company, adore their humor and, in some cases, truly love them as friends.

i had dinner with fratboy the other night. we'd gone to college together and always had an unspoken attraction to one another. we were dating other people back then and neither of us is the cheating type, so nothing ever happened. over the past thirteen years, we've kept in touch going as far as making a pact to marry each other if we were both single at forty. around his thirtieth birthday, he asked me to marry him, to move our pact to thirty instead of forty. i was with beamer and gently declined... fratboy dated here and there, asking me to marry him once (twice?) more before eventually getting engaged to his ex-fiancee around the time i left beamer almost four years ago now. beamer and i got back together; they broke off their engagement soon after.

we went to our ten year college reunion together three years ago; he flew in from new york and i from la. he rented a car and we drove to the place we met; we shared a hotel room with two queen sized beds. beamer and i were living together at that point; fratboy had just started dating his now wife. nothing happened beyond the campus tours, football game, drinks with friends and all the meals we shared together; again, neither of us is the cheating type... fast forward to six weeks ago when we recently met up for dinner (he's in la for work every six weeks or so):

fratboy: i can't believe he let you go.
me: yup. i'm single... and you're married.
fratboy: (shaking his head) i didn't think you'd be single again.
me: yeah. me, too.

that's real life. fratboy thinks... no. he knows i'm amazing and wants the same things i do. he's also married... to someone i've never met and may never meet... the truth is, fratboy and i have fairy tale ideas about each other. while we've been honest in our conversations over the years and have a solid friendship, neither of us really knows how we are in our everyday lives because we've never lived together. he's never seen me sick or dealt with me when i'm hungry; i have no idea what he's like after a bad day at work or what he smells like after a night out with his friends. (also, he's a bears fan so it would never work.) we love each other without the complications of dating. that ship sailed thirteen years ago.

don't get me wrong, i have a rom-com worthy fairy tale ending with fratboy in the back of my mind. there were epic ones with beamer for a long time. the one with handyman is particularly romantic and the most unrealistic. why i even bother, i do not know... i subconsciously create these impeccably scripted boy-realizes-he-can't-live-without-girl (me!!!) scenes despite the reality that is my life. i'm not sure if it's normal and i really don't care. that's just where my mind goes. sometimes i fool myself into believing these fantasies can actually happen (yes, i am that confident some days). thankfully, i'm not entirely delusional and can tear myself away from my perfectly imagined situations.

i find balance.

fairy tales always end with happily ever after. i've wondered what that must be like and have decided it would probably get boring after awhile. there are only so many balls you can attend in a gorgeous gown with your handsome husband before you decide a night in your pajamas with your girlfriends, pizzas and ice cream is exactly what you need to center yourself. to find balance... or maybe you just want to stay home with a good book; it's a lot of work to get ready for a ball or even a party... romantic gestures are great but to deal with being romanced all the time would be annoying. i can't imagine being romanced while i'm watching my packers play or am sick with the flu; i'd just want to watch the game or take a nap.

real life gets messy... i prefer messy over perfect though. perfection is a facade. it's not real and i want real. i don't need to meet someone at a ball and fall in love at first sight, but i do need him to really see me and love me beyond the initial attraction. i don't need a handsome prince to sweep me off my feet into his castle, but i do need him to be supportive and treat me as an equal. a partner through whatever life throws our way. i don't need him to save me from an evil stepmother or a witch or a dragon, but i do need him to accept me and treat me with kindness, generosity and compassion. i also need him to make me laugh and marry me, not necessarily in front of a kingdom. a beach somewhere tropical will do but...

the shoes i'll take.